Why Does it Hurt to Feel Lonely?

“When one tugs at a single thing in nature, they find it attached to the rest of the world.” (John Muir)

Originally posted in Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-stories-we-tell/202404/why-does-it-hurt-to-feel-lonely

We are all connected. This axiom reflects the first law of ecology. Everything in the universe is interconnected and interdependent. The same life energy runs through each of us that runs through all nature including the oceans, the sky and beyond. In the last 50 years, technology has transformed our connected world into a hyper-connected world through global supply chains, inexpensive air travel, the Internet, mobile phones, and social media.  In fact, each day the average American spends more than 7 hours (40%) of their day, every day, in front of a screen (Nielsen, 2023). We are virtually linked 24/7 in ways that offer enormous opportunities for connection and access. The paradox of our hyper-connectivity is that is sits alongside an expanding human experience of isolation and loneliness. We are connected, but remain disconnected. We have an abundance of ‘friends’ online, but, in multiple ways, lack of meaningful social connection. 

Loneliness hurts

The psychological impact of loneliness is profound. Loneliness feels empty and cold and desperate, as if you are invisible, and don’t belong. The world passes through you, but the only thing that sticks is an unquenchable ache. Loneliness hurts. When we are lonely, we experience actual pain.

Humans are inherently social beings. We depend on social connections for emotional support, including validation, emotional regulation, empathy, comfort, and sense of belonging. Social integration provides us a sense of identity and inclusion. Feeling alone erodes our self-esteem and leads to feelings of sadness, alienation, anxiety or despair. Loneliness represents an evolutionary threat to our survival. Social connections are not a luxury, they are essential.   Interconnections are so important to the human species that the attachment system and physical pain system are linked via common brain mechanisms. The physiological manifestations of loneliness include elevated stress hormones, (i.e. cortisol and norepinephrine); elevated white blood cells and decreased physical warmth (Mushtaq, Shoib, Shah & Mushtaq, 2014). According to the U.S. Surgeon General (2023), lack of social connection influences overall health and psychological well-being through specific biologic pathways including cardiovascular and neuroendocrine dysregulation, immunity, and gut-microbiome interaction which negatively influence blood pressure, circulating stress hormones and inflammation. High, chronic inflammation associated with loneliness is linked to cardiovascular disease, cancer, diabetes, depression and Alzheimer’s disease. The physical consequences of this distress increases the risk of hearth disease (29%), stroke (32%) and dementia (50%). The burden of loneliness is experienced strongly by older adults, with nearly 3 in 5 individuals over 55 reporting feeling isolated; however, young people (15-25) report 70% less social interaction with friends than two decades ago and represent the loneliest segment, by age, in the U.S. (Bruce, Wu, Lustig, Russell & Nemeck (2018).

What triggers feelings of loneliness?

Being alone does note necessarily equal loneliness. Many people feel alone while in the midst of others. Being alone, or physical solitude, can provide opportunities for creativity, rejuvenation and self-reflection; but, extended periods of isolation, without meaningful social interactions, can stir feelings of loneliness. This is the crux of the matter: dissonance between the desired level of connection and what is actually available .

Feeling lonely is strongly related to the quality of your connections. People with close friendships and higher quality relationships experience more life satisfaction and less loneliness and depression (Choi, K.W. et al., 2020). Superficial relationships, characterized by lack of empathy and lack of intimacy, or emotional support in times of need, lead to a decreased sense of being valued or ‘being seen’ and increased feelings of loneliness. Other things impact loneliness including major life changes, especially loss; physical health problems; trauma; mental health issues; and cultural issues. Cultural issues associated with loneliness are societal trends that prioritize individual rather than social participation such as a fraying of social trust, smaller social networks, living alone, residential transience, and increased use of technology, especially social media. While social media ‘likes’ provide self-reinforcing hits of dopamine, they do not bring about the release of oxytocin that occurs during face-to-face interactions. Further, they tend to foment a relentless cycle of social comparison and diminished self-worth that can cause anxiety, depression and instill chronic loneliness.

How to reduce feelings of loneliness

Nobody likes to feel lonely, however it is important to remember that loneliness is a universal emotion and a part of being human. When you feel lonely, acknowledge the feeling and try to normalize feeling lonely from time to time. Remind yourself that these feelings are okay. Remember that you have agency – you can challenge negative thoughts and unkind beliefs about yourself or others. Practice being alone and present with your emotions. Embrace your creativity – making or viewing art actively reduces cortisol and stress and increases our ‘feel-good’ hormones (e.g. dopamine, endorphins and oxytocin) (U.S. Surgeon General, 2023).

Connect with others. Feeling the presence of other people can reduce loneliness, especially when the quality of those interactions focuses on deeper, trusted connections where you share your thoughts and engage in activities that foster mutual support. Minimize distractions during conversations to increase the quality of the time spent together. Rather than seeking a large network of superficial connections, prioritize quality connections and meaningful relationships. Take time to deepen relationships with people you trust. Tell yourself you deserve this.

Invest in your own self-care (e.g. exercise, creative hobbies, mindfulness, healthy eating and sleep) to boost your mood and resilience. Engage in shared activities with others. Shared passions can provide opportunities for expanding your social circle, friendships and lead to enhanced belonging and fulfillment. Volunteering and community service are great ways to connect with others and simultaneously, help to foster one’s sense of purpose.

Some activities, such as excessive social media use and doomscrolling, lead to increased feelings of disconnection from others. To limit mindless technology engagement, set screen time boundaries and replace misspent time with hobbies or in-person activities. Become curious about your screen time and online presence. Determine which activities and accounts provide positive and uplifting experiences and stick to those. Discontinue online activities where you find you compare yourself to others or that make you angry. Social media algorithms do not merely reflect what is happening in society, they can amplify anger and divisive moral outrage, as a means of engagement.

When you are struggling, reach out. It can be tough to ask for help, but asking for help is always okay. Your feelings are valid and asking for help is not a burden. If you feel unable to ask a friend or family member, consider finding a therapist that can help you explore what you are going through and who can provide actionable strategies to bolster self-confidence and well-being.

Moreover, be kind to yourself. Breathe. Go for a walk in nature. Recognize that everyone experiences loss, disappointment, rejection and loneliness. We all hurt. We all grieve. Look for ways to connect with others and the world around you. Remember, when you feel connected, you are know that your areThe  not alone.

References

Bruce, L. D., Wu, J. S., Lustig, S. L., Russell, D. W., & Nemecek, D. A. (2019). Loneliness in the United States: A 2018 national panel survey of demographic, structural, cognitive, and behavioral characteristics. American Journal of Health Promotion, 33(8), 1123–1133. https://doi.org/10.1177/0890117119856551

Choi, K.W. et al., (2020). An Exposure-Wide and Mendelian Randomization Approach to Identifying Modifiable Factors for the Prevention of Depression. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 177, 10. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2020.19111158

Mushtaq R, Shoib S, Shah T, Mushtaq S. (2014). Relationship between loneliness, psychiatric disorders and physical health: A review on the psychological aspects of loneliness. J Clin Diagn Res, 9. doi: 10.7860/JCDR/2014/10077.4828

Nielsen Consumer Report (2023). Available at: https://www.nielsen.com/insights/2023/need-for-consistent-measurement-2023-nielsen-annual-marketing-report/

Office of the U.S. Surgeon General (2023). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Available at: https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf